Final Fantasy VII Remake (dunkview)

#Final #Fantasy #VII #Remake #dunkview

Final Fantasy seven starts on a thunderous snow with that iconic you mouth shot of Midgard camera keeps pulling back Will Smith Minh and black anybody on my [ __ ] pizza man man then the combat is so wait invisible not my cell doctor we’re sorting there’s Rapids but the

Coolest thing in ter universe and check goodness then the characters start talking and you go oh no we will not submit to intimidation or violence but work together for peace and prosperity that is how civilized people change the world square has a history of naming games whatever they feel like Final

Fantasy 3 is actually Final Fantasy 6 Kingdom Hearts 3 is Kingdom Hearts 10 and Final Fantasy 7 remake is actually the first five hours of Final Fantasy 7 except 30 hours what we have here is a hobbit scenario where you take an established story and stretch it way out

Because of money it’s not a blatant abomination like this though it is bad just in a more subtle way don’t you think I’m not the real Final Fantasy 7 is one of the landmark games and video game storytelling it’s not perfect you still have embarrassing dialogue and some bizarro convoluted nonsense but the

Broad-strokes story is pretty engaging group of friends go on adventure slash revenge mission slash human folly I think what made this game stick for so many people are those big twists you know Sephiroth burns down clown’s village in oh [ __ ] yeah I’ll burn this whole [ __ ] down if any freaking impales

Your girlfriend through the chest with a samurai sword so you kill him but it doesn’t even matter anyway because a meteor crashes into earth and wipes out humanity these heavy solemn moments are what make Final Fantasy 7 and yet the overall tone of the game is light-hearted and entertaining the

Townspeople are always cracking jokes you fight a house that shoots missiles and I Triceratops tank and the villains are super over-the-top evil and you go to a theme park and team up with Kate Sethe a fortune-telling robot controlled by a cat-like creature it’s a goofy game with serious moments the

Remake is a serious game with goofy moments old game you grind the combat to get to the story new game you grind the story to get to the cool boss fights no Hallman stir there you know I can’t do that it’s one thing to read weird dialogue

But when you actually hear it you go the mayor I’m on the phone the mayor huh what about the video what’ll it be for you today the mayor male sorry we don’t have any here you’re gonna train in the sim at a time like this the mayor hmm are you looking for the

Mayor the mayor the remix voice acting is stuck in this mysterious limbo zone it’s it’s not robot mode but it’s not good either characters can be convincing at times but then ruin the illusion with their horrible anime glum team this doesn’t matter at all but the president of Shinra actually says the

Wrong word and one of his voice lines and they left it in he said cloud was bathed in mana it’s called Mako idiot not mana what a terrible game as a whole the story feels structureless so many things happen in this game which contribute nothing to the forward momentum of the narrative

The more you play the more obvious the distinction between old and new becomes all of the highlights of this game are lifted from the original and everything that is kind of bland or terrible that’s the new stuff again you try them let’s start with Jessie in the original game she has three lines

Of dialogue and gets [ __ ] killed in the remake she is a major character and every time she talks I want to die took your sweet time sake since I despised this character more than anything naturally we need an entire chapter dedicated to explaining her backstory old game you have this corny love

Triangle between cloud Tifa and eros who will he pick the the brain-dead one with comically large boobs or the pushy fun one where are you going weirdly perfect timing wait a minute is someone watching us in the remake they take it to the next level love rectangle now he has a third

Girlfriend who is like a knockoff version of this one but they can’t kill her off yet so she dies instead except nobody cares you owe me a pizza this game has no sense of drama or urgency they keep undercutting everything from the original story the old game

Schindler drops a plate on the entire section of city kills everybody this game Shinra is gonna drop a plate on the city but hold on you have to evacuate the entire town Aerith go save Barrett’s baby come on we gotta save the baby Go Go why are you going so slow yeah be

Careful be careful with the doors who are you wrapped-up kidding did the [ __ ] Isaac what are you a friend of Jesus two weeks later everyone is evacuated after retrieving all of their valuable belongings and the plate is slowly lowered down by cranes remember The Bodyguard NPC in front of Don Cornelius

Mansion no well now he has a backstory everyone has a backstory because that’s how Peter Jackson makes this game look at this robot hand in the ps1 version I walked over the robot hand in one second in the ps4 version you have to take control of the robot and take your

Partner put her up on the cliff go switch through the other blow by hand pick up the box always put the Box in the wrong spot switch back to it look the loop pick her up put her down wrong spots which character switch robots insert disc tube the great moments of

This game are buried in a sea of filler hallways and elevators levers and computers and platforming there’s enough explosions and awesome sword fights for 10 games but there’s no emotions you don’t feel anything it’s it’s so flat and fake no charm no wit no skills I’ve got skills laptop you can do

This I’m he’s going for it he’s almost there yes then we have Sephiroth who has not seen once in the intro to the real game because the developers are savoring that moment for a big spectacular reveal this game Sephiroth shows up every [ __ ] hour because he has no life

Square has to remind the audience that they do have the rights to suffer often Final Fantasy 7 it’s not a fanfiction this is a real game see if they’re suffering because this story is a 30 hour intro sequence we are still being introduced to all new characters and

Major plot developments up until the very final moments of the game where it is revealed that Sephiroth is a mere puppet to the truant anus of Final Fantasy a shadowy figure emerges from the depths of hell Tetsu Nomura it’s in this final chapter now he starts to work his devil magic

Those ghosts you’ve been seeing the whole game that was time travel ghosts so all of the major twists remember the ones that are very integral to the story that would be sad if those happen so instead you fights afar off in outer space to reverse reality because nothing

Is anything this is a chimp brain story that being said there are no random encounters in the remake so it’s still a pretty close call between these two games