Tabletop Game Theory LIVE | Chapo Trap House

Tabletop Game Theory LIVE | Chapo Trap House

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On this week’s tale of mayhem in mishegoss the Cobell boys mean a nun labor with other individual desires will our heroes house-call turn up the cure to this mystery or will they be borrowing a cup of abomination find out on this week’s episode of shuffle Trap House [Applause] [Applause] Semper games the following is canon for those of you who don’t know I’m Virgil Texas and we are chapo traphouse most of the time we are your everyday run-of-the-mill arts and entertainment podcast but once in a blue moon we delve into the occult indulging in a session of the tabletop role-playing game Call

Of Cthulhu based on the works of HP Lovecraft and like HP Lovecraft Matt will and Felix here roleplay as 1920s investigators who are incurably racist neurotics over the course of their adventures they match wits with the immortal her medicine Podesta at the summoning of the pizza gate they filed

The mad monk Rasputin and his eldritch allies infiltrating American elections and they scuttled industrialists Enoch Musk’s rocket in Musk’s of Nayer laughs attempt tonight scenario is a prequel to the events of tabletop game theory episodes one through six and I did not write this scenario mr. Corbett was

Authored by Michael DeWolf and published in 1990 by Kaos iam in the excellent collection of mansions of madness I have merely made a handful of alterations to the scenario to reflect the ethos of our program it must be stated that absolutely positively nothing in this scenario is based on real events or real

People with that in mind let’s play mr. Jeff’s team [Laughter] [Applause] Chris can I get some talking music it is November 9th 1924 Calvin Coolidge has just won election to a full term as president beating centrist Democrat John W Davis for just a few months now the

Three of you who’ve been hosting a radio show originally started as a lark by three pals who met on the telegram Capone speakeasy is found a loyal following among disaffected members of the Lost Generation we’re sick of being smeared as misogynist for their support of fighting Bob La Follette and that

Would be a good time to introduce your characters and describe your day jobs I am Professor William hackenbush a latinum besotted failed academic who of course attended Miskatonic University and where I studied the esoteric science of phrenology and many other sort of lost mystical occult Sciences couldn’t

Get a job after I graduated so I am still working in a book depository as the show begins to take off we have just begun our nicola month subscription advertised in the back of Colliers magazine but unfortunately I am still living in a shack in Red Hook Brooklyn

Where I commute to work in midtown Manhattan at the Book Depository by Zeppelin every single day I am Lieutenant Colonel Felix Gumtree at the time of this scenario I am an active duty as a liar in the US military I have a like below average to average IQ but I’ll just like say anything to get out of anything and I invented white rabbit can you explain your coffee or your at all historically accurate I all invented I invented everything I’m wearing right now you may think this

Idft shirt this Patriots flat brim these gym shorts you may think they didn’t exist in 1924 and that’s why you’re in the [ __ ] audience and I’m playing I invented these when I fought the Great War as the only samurai as a member of the US Expeditionary Forces I thought

What what would make me more aerodynamic while also showing support for what I would hope would be a great team many years after my death in the future America’s game Brady baby let’s do this I am dr. Matthew penny-farthing I actually do not live currently in Red

Hook I still live in Kansas where I am a goat testicle specialist at dr. John Brinkley’s facility and I communicate to the show via radio ‘la and by telegraph I got an early episode became notorious for a telegram where I sent saying shut up stop shut up stop shut up stop shut

The [ __ ] up stop I’m sorry I’ll be quiet stop But other than that this is basically a hobby because I am a well renew marae today and very well-respected in my community and there is absolutely zero chance that I’m gonna get torqued on ether and replace some farmers testicles with bocce balls that will never happen

One last detail here feel just that love me one second he’s getting character here you may have noticed that I brought a friend on stage here tonight this is a tribute to author HP Lovecraft’s famous cat do not ask me the name of the cat we

Will not be discussing the name of the cat but just know that he joins us here today and although none of you have interacted with the mythos before you do have some phobias and manias I mean like largely my entire career as a phrenologist and a cult expert is driven

By a deep-seated psycho psycho sexual obsession with my sister and also my fear of modernist art yeah for me like many people have alleged that I’m addicted drugs but they themselves are in fact real drug addicts and not me like every red-blooded white anglo-saxon Protestant male I am ether and women’s

Shoes very good it is unusually hot November in Brooklyn the tail end of an Indian summer you’ve just finished an interview with a young Dorothy Parker for her New Yorker piece what will become of the ethnic left you decide to beat the autumn heat by taking in a film

The latest installment of your favorite action movie franchise man washing a horse 7 infinity horses part of the Katzenjammer kids extended cinematic universe let’s see it The [Laughter] [Laughter] Wait for the post credit sequence [Laughter] [Applause] thank you – director cm Wade I [ __ ] hate those movies so much man like you see like the agenda in there like the only the only guy warning about the horse catastrophe was Irish I wonder who’s [ __ ] pushing that agenda there

Honestly hasn’t been a good movie since 1919 the gay picnic those last one I I [ __ ] hate the Katzenjammer kids extended cinematic universe I think they’ve all these Nickelodeon’s that keep putting out every single week just more slop to be lapped up and like I you

Know we’re the only radio show that will tell you that it sucks true artists like Buster Keaton and fatty Arbuckle’s Sherlock jr. go unnoticed or you know this is bad this is problematic well you know Buster Keaton did with that ladder you and you know like if you wanna if

You want if you want people to tell you how good you know washing horses number seven is you should tune in it’s like I guess like the bigger radio shows like the cuckoo hour or the champion spark plug hour if you want to hear those [ __ ] Jonathan’s lie to you go for it

You guys are a bunch of snobs this is great popular entertainment you guys only like movies if it involves Frenchmen trying to murder the moon yeah that’s that’s why we go to the movies is like spectacle you know if I was to invent film theory now in 1924 I would

Include that unfortunately though I just feel like I still go to see all of them because you know the clip at the end of the cats fighting each other I want to see how that plays out it is early evening now when you have to record an episode you assemble that Professor hack

And bushes cat filled home you set up your recording equipment let’s hear it okay I guess Calvin Coolidge is the president we warned you it would happen yeah welcome welcome to Perdition Earth we warned you what would happened and all we were called was a bunch of La

Follette lads but what the [ __ ] I mean this is this is it it’s it’s cool it’s cool if we’re living the Coolidge world now yeah we’ve all got Coolidge brain we’re all just paulie’s [ __ ] not saying anything [ __ ] like all this entire election all you told us La Follette

Supporters was like oh you’re acting Portuguese the [ __ ] world is Portuguese now hope you’re [ __ ] happy okay I guess it’s time for this week’s reading series I will be going into the Colliers magazine things you can do with flower article counting down the top 12 things you can do with flower more this

[ __ ] I [ __ ] hate reading this dude I hate waking up every day like one Oh what is the elite media going to tell me what kind of cake I can bake [ __ ] hate this man sucks like I maybe look I may be like tempting fate here but

Sometimes I just wish that like an eternal evil like we had to fight an eternal evil and maybe like 2/3 of us go insane fighting it instead of reading another [ __ ] [ __ ] article from Colliers it is good to have dr. penny farthing in person so you know I don’t

Have to read over the the ticker tape his interjections you know about the things to do is Lauer yeah I can’t wait to hear be able to react right now to the absurd of idiotic things that you’re supposed to do with flower the [ __ ] I mean forget this flower [ __ ]

Yeah [ __ ] Davis how did we come on how did that guy Lewis yeah I just presidential candidate Jim Davis what the [ __ ] was he doing I may not be John W Davis but I lost the election that’s the voice that he has the Democratic Party voice the guy’s spent his entire campaign

Drawing comically fat cats instead of actually trying to connect to the American electorate Felix as dr. penny farthing goes off on one of his classic rants you idly look out the window and see Will’s neighbor park his automobile in front of his house across the street

He exits the car and pops open the trunk taken out to canvas wrapped objects one is small and round the other approximately the size of a baseball bat carrying these to the front door he holds them both under one arm as he struggles with the lock it’s it’s very

Funny watching a man fail and that’s why you watched this I would like to put these in some sort of failure compilation one day the larger package slides loose and falls to the front porch the canvas folds fall open and you catch a glimpse of something white and

Cylindrical we have a kinetic situation outdoors gentlemen there’s a man very crowdy Schley meandering around the driveway perimeter visually absurd caning an obfuscation of the kinetic parameter and we are at zero target 3,800 hours wait wait I say wait it is it is this [ __ ] neighbor trying

To smuggle in an ionic or Doric column into the neighborhood and [ __ ] tanked the property prices around here I I don’t pay $4 a month in rent to look at a corinthian column out my outside my window every day everyone make a spot hidden role fail

Oh wait I passed pass good clutch good clutch comes nice you failed Felix not my best role he’s just warming up yeah wait just wait the three of you staring at Will’s neighbor only will can discern in the dim light exactly what the object is it appears to

Be the hand and fingers of a small child will make a sanity roll oh so it begins Okay who fail lose 1d three points of sanity we were all depending on you to clutch for Wow ouch whose paper already Will’s neighbor glances around then quickly wraps the hand up he unlocks the door and disappears into the tightly shuttered house a moment later a light appears in a basement window quickly

Blunted by hastily drawn shade should we go check this out I mean honestly I’m kind of sick of a recording or radio show I mean we’ve already done three hours and I don’t think I can do another six yeah there’s there’s no way like I mean just just do we can just

Like do some races skits later let’s I don’t know what the [ __ ] that guy was doing maybe he was just like doing the normal thing of leaving your kid in a normal temperature car but it could also be like you know he could be a simmerman sleeper agent so we should investigate

Will you have a passing familiarity with your neighbor he’s a bit local businessman by the name of Ephram Jeff’s team and to you he’s always seemed to be a quiet inoffensive and normal man I mean as a professor I’ve always noticed that you know he took a very intense

Interest in the sciences of phrenology being cold and bringing the dead back to life he’s his only oddity as a touch of absent-mindedness he lives in a large well-kept estate across the street from you and you have a nodding relationship with him he is one of the more respected

And prominent businessman in the area here’s to no local politicians Fred Trump and people like that Steven Pinker allegedly here he’s also a gardener and occasionally comes by and gives you fruits and vegetables that are delightful from his greenhouse delicious years ago he would often leave home for

Long periods of time traveling out of the country to attend to his business which is an import-export of some kind but the last few years have I’ll bet seen him spending more and more time at home he maintains regular hours working five days a week in his downtown office

During weekends he usually stays at home quietly but he regularly goes out and late afternoon on Sunday usually returning home before dark this is one of those trips who I hope I don’t have to catch the 4:30 garbage barge back into Manhattan so yeah I mean I why why don’t I go

Across the street knock on his door you know I’m gonna roll it oh yeah yeah I know we’re rolling deep I’m bringing the whole squad like that’s a big house you have no idea how many people you could have in there you could be playing with

A full party we don’t know I mean if he doesn’t I mean if he’s having a party maybe we could attend it that is one kinetic scenario I would like to ask her can let’s do it okay sure you march across the street head over to mr.

Jeff’s teens front door everyone make a listen roll and fail fail all right where’s my listens dad alright not a pass yet any closer all’s well well I mean I gotta say implicitly mistrust of this guy but he seems to be having like an incredibly regular time

This evening I mean from what I can tell he was just taking a ventriloquist dummy out of the back of his Model T and bringing him inside probably to entertain his guests with a very realistic ventriloquist dummy yeah I mean he’s a rich he can afford a good

One a few other notes about mr. Jeff Steen 14 years ago his father died he took old control of the family company Jeff Steen importers of America he was once married but he’s presently a widower lives alone he’s a lonely old man basically you knock on the door you hear footsteps

About a minute later he opens oh professor how are you hello mr. Jeff Steen it’s your next-door neighbor professor hackenbush how’s it going oh quite well is there anything I could do for you uh you know we were across the street watching you like we normally do

I mean we’re just doing some people watching you know you know how it is are you watching me well you know what hang with my friends here television hasn’t been invented yet I feel like I don’t look out the window I feel like we got

Off on the wrong foot I’m sure I served in the military every branch not just this country I’m just making sure this neighborhoods safe like there’s a lot of gang activity here and you’re a very prominent businessman and yeah I just wouldn’t want them to do the knockout

Game to you I’ve noticed the preponderance of Italians in this area yeah yeah they are pondering their [ __ ] dicks off over here oh well all is well here thank you for checking in your honor you’re welcome your majesty Oh what are you doing I mean what are

You are you all turning I mean you want to be you want to hang out yeah I got I got I got some pretty good ether here I got a full pint bottle oh yeah I was just a brand-new rag yeah I have a new song we just like some laudanum I will

Note that rampant drug use is not a normal socially acceptable thing in this era so he’s taken aback by your suggestions and says oh no I’m a bit tired and I must go to work tomorrow but perhaps another time could you show us I mean you know just couldn’t help

But noticing again doing doing my people watching doing my radio program looking out the window checking out people on the street I couldn’t be listening the incredibly realistic ventriloquist dummy that you took out of the back of your car I was wondering if maybe you could like regale us with some you know

Sleight of hand or close-close magic or sleight of mouth more like yeah I don’t know what you’re talking about I’m not a performer I’m a business but right you still want to hang out alright alright I’m gonna I’m gonna try to fast talk him alright so um I was actually

Best friends with General blackjack Pershing and he said I was the greatest soldier he ever met and that I should replace all his songs and there’s this thing called the war bounty in the military that if you kill the Kaiser make him run away like a little [ __ ] he

Is you get to take his the jewels of the German royal family or whatever anyway because Pershing liked me so much he gave me one of the biggest rubies and I would like to invest it and you seem like a guy who’s getting kind of Hannukah with it so

You want to get this bread about to have a [ __ ] bonus on me you want to get this unleavened bread yeah it’s not brother make a fast talk roll soggy cut yeah pass [ __ ] yeah [ __ ] told you yes he’s impressed by what you’re saying but says that all sounds very good with the

Rubies and what have you I tell you what perhaps next weekend you could come by and I could give you a tour of my greenhouse hey brother I’ll be there with bells on let’s do it very good well good night Semper Fi buddy he shall wait I got the latest Al Jolson

Record he shuts the door swanee and then bang bang Ryder blues on the b-side you want to listen he shuts the door this guy sucks well you’re just there harassing him an incredibly good time and he’s just not interested I wanted to [ __ ] get smacked up and listened to

Mamie by Al Jolson he doesn’t want to get high and show you his child’s ooh we’re gonna play this strategically gentlemen we might have to become clandestine I forgetting okay I think all right no we got to wait till next weekend it’s simple like I have to steal

A huge Ruby and say it’s mine and then we go to his [ __ ] green house and like figure out what kind of [ __ ] he’s doing we could get some glass and paint it red see my idea I like that as like a team-building exercise like one of us

Can hold the piece of glass one of us can paint it the other can direct it that’s a fun idea I think though we should take the time in the in the intervening period before our green house sorta maybe I don’t know there’s a can we go to the library or do any

Research and always go to the library to the book depository library is free sure you guys are [ __ ] nerds what lines of investigation do you want to pursue how about let’s look into his import-export company or is there a commute can we look into any family history or records or anything like that

I will say make each of you make a library use roll a fast pass all right you know what I always say some people have read a thousand [ __ ] books but haven’t lived the pages of a single one and that’s the type of guy I am

So I failed you turn up several stories of interest here’s the first one dated 14 years ago local businessman killed an accident it was learned today that Theodore Jeff’s teen owner of Jeff’s teen enterprises of America is dead victim of a tragic accident accident while vacationing in the Virgin Islands

Jeff seen while in the company of his son Ephraim died in a fall while the two were traveling through the high mountains of the Virgin Islands it was so easy to just make it a fall off a yacht according to authorities the two men were on a hike they were set upon by

A group of bandits known to frequent the area while being pursued on the mountainside the elder Jeff state apparently lost his footing and fell to his death his son managed to escape eventually making it to safety the elder Jeff’s teens body has not yet been located authorities fear that it may be lost

Possibly consumed by the wild dogs that roam the mountainside of the Varginha theater where Jeff seen is survived by his wife Elaine and one son Ephraim at this time it is not known if ever will take over the management of Jeff’s teen enterprises the other piece two articles dated twelve years ago

Obituaries Jeff steam Lynn Ann Meyers age 22 died in childbirth in her home a graduate of the pier pot school mrs. Jeff Steen was married to local businessman Ephraim Jeff’s team two years ago funeral services for both mother and child will be held Saturday afternoon mrs. Jeff Steen is survived by her parents

Edward and Shirley Myers and her husband Ephraim Jeff’s team president of Jeff C enterprises of America second article nurse hospitalized after accident in patient’s home professional nurse miss Mona Dunlap was admitted to central sanitarium yesterday following an accident that took place in a patient’s home her condition was diagnosis serious

Miss Dunlap hired by mr. and mrs. Jeff Steen to help with mrs. Jeff’s teens confinement apparently suffered a stroke while attempting to deliver the Jeff’s teens baby unassisted mr. Jeff scene returned from his office Wednesday afternoon to find nurse Dunlap unconscious and his wife and infant son dead due to complications of birth

Doctors at the sanitarium say the woman has yet to regain consciousness and it may be some time before the full extent of her injuries bro this guy’s endured so much loss and tragedy we should help them it’s a bit sad don’t you yeah it’s crazy people just there there then they’re not [Laughter]

Life goes on until it doesn’t you think someone is totally safe and just gonna be with you forever then one day you you can you wake up and add two p.m. and you log on Twitter and you [ __ ] it out you log on to Telegraph Avenue fine all right what should we do

I mean I’m I’m glad we you know did the research here but I’m not really not quite sure what to do with this or how it can help us well my suggestion is always break into someone’s house and this seems like a perfect chance to break into someone’s house do we really

Do when he’s invited us to come over yeah like in a week we don’t know what’s going on in there now can we credit Frankenstein’s we need to get in there and find out what’s going on it’s the 20s how hard is it to break into a house

Mad once they got what they got that lap I got that like little eye hook that’s the most advanced lock technology that there’s no factory security there’s no DNA testing or anything if you get caught for like killing someone you’re just an idiot you can just like skipped

Out you could go to like one town that’s three miles away and you say oh I’m not that guy I’m a different guy there’s no IDs or an order would ever be able to know you know why do we do a radio show why don’t we just like lie

About being lawyers or something so stupid dr. penny farthing I know this is your first time in the big city but I assure you you cannot just waltz into someone’s house like it’s a barn all right well what’s your idea just wait until he invites us over just hang

Out for a week no I mean like we like we’ve done a lot of work today like I lied to that guy you guys read some articles and already read some articles before that let’s you know do what we do for a week whatever the thing is we do just

Pass out from using ether and then I’ll lie to that guy in his greenhouse and we’re [ __ ] rolling I mean that intervening time you’ll learn how to use a library I will say I don’t need to I know to use the world I will say that both of your approaches are totally

Valid for this scenario if you find yourself at an impasse you could perhaps both role your debate convincing skills you guys are about to get [ __ ] on what would that be exactly what do you have on there that would be good at using logic to win in our human path talk no

There’s no faster he’s bullshitting someone to get that win an argument persuade persuade it would be persuade persuade sounds good then so our wait are the debate here is whether we should I just you know hang whether you should like just go in now

Okay what do they hang out I mean I I would like to hang out for a week sitting in front of my fireplace poring over leather bound volumes and looking at lithographs of my sister like I always do I want yeah I want to like get

In shape for this I want to throw a big heavy ball at another guy in a turtleneck I want to get a good pump for this [ __ ] I will say will and Matt both roll your persuade and Chi I should have a higher persuade than you oh if I

Explain your persuade how goddamn it it was so close past [ __ ] the consensus of the group is that it’s more sober to wait all right losers all right we can’t we can fast travel this though you guys are watching me and just pick up triangular weights you’re amazed at how

Strong I am fifty pounds the most a man has ever lived holy [ __ ] you’re [ __ ] under armor turtleneck looks so dope on you I’m just sittin overalls are sick I’m not lifting anything but I am standing in one of those belt contraptions belts the pounds away I

Don’t even have to do anything it’s amazing your cardio is nuts dr. penny farthing adjusts his Zeppelin tickets to stay another week here in New York City let’s go see Sherlock jr. another three times all right that that’s so sick and Sherlock jr. when he’s like yes dear

Watson I’m thinking that I am back what what what’s the problem you don’t like that [ __ ] you in the days that transpire a March is assembled to says that we will resist Calvin Coolidge not another teapot dome and then it’s up bright and early in Saturday morning you’re all crashing at Williams place

And mr. Jeff Steen knocks on the door he’s carrying a basket full fruits and vegetables because o are you ready for the tour gentlemen absolutely mr. Jeff Stein I’ve been thinking I’ve been waiting for this all week long you know he hands you the basket thank you for

These gourds what do you do with the basket just put it in my living room put it in my sort of a conversation piece you know well if it’s edible food okay I’m going I mean obviously I don’t have an appetite because I’m you know it’s completely dope to the gills

So I’ll refrain from eating one of these you know almost certainly poisoned or cursed produce sure you put it down on your table and he leads you across the street to is the extensive grounds of his home he leads you around the beautiful temple you have here mr. Jeff

Said it’s a normal house that’s not it looks like in the 1920s that was the normal house every house yes every house is like that yeah I’m saying the vibe is different it has a normal house vibe there’s an old man house vibe just just like that picture

I can’t wait for the tour Thank You mr. Jefferson yeah I bet you know it’s good when neighbors can you know be more than neighbors almost like they benefit you they have benefits he leads you to the back of the grounds there are two things of interest here a vegetable patch at a

Greenhouse oh man well you said vegetable and then that key hidden that that cord got struck I don’t like thinking about vegetable I didn’t cut straight the cord so well it’s just it’s given it’s giving there are no more normal house vibes here no vegetable garden green house he takes you to the

Greenhouse with it in there very normal greenhouse before it’s not a normal green house oh these zucchini are out of season dude it’s not zucchini or really any plants that you recognize except orchards the rest of the plants are exotic from parts unknown you’ve never seen anything like it none of you have

Any bought a skill right anything involving the natural world that would help you identify plans maybe get ten that’s it that is that is base I think will you had a biology I think or no well I have biology but I don’t that’s the same any animal I have a phrenology

My education is eighty for some reason you lied you lied to your own spooking skill sheets yeah that’s what learning is you lie until you know something I have very high occult stats no one called mat roll your biology Hale I’m a dumbass I’m just a simple

Country now I’m just a simple country just a simple country testicle doctor we’re just wandering around not recognizing anything we’re saying the Jeff scene takes you around the greenhouse he explains to you these plants are very delicate they’re sensitive to the slightest change in the environment it’s very hot in there and

It’s jungly it’s just the greenhouse experience oh this picture great a delicate orchid just like my sister anything you want to do in there can I take a maybe pocket one of the plants take a sample got you on one of them see if I get higher or something

During my gun on man I know we’re all armed obviously yeah there is one plan it has large orange and blue leaves very appealing looking at can I eat it and you want to pocket it I’d like to just like you know take a sample I would say that doing this would

Require mr. Jeff’s team to not be observing you because presumably you would not want that to be the case so Neelix oh yeah I’ll start talking about my finance Turtles country yeah okay you know what to do okay so okay so he’s like showing you a leaf it says uh oh

The lieutenant colonel isn’t this the most gorgeous leaf I’ve actually seen better ones but this one’s pretty nice you know I I really appreciate this tour of yours like just normal ass house she’s [ __ ] nothing weird about it the regular green house that everyone likes to have but I was wondering if we

Could talk about you know my investment profile perhaps unless maybe I told you about Oh business yeah yeah so thing is like I was also trained as a Janissary and Janissaries to not own property in the ottoman empire but it doesn’t exist anymore as you know yes um but thanks to

You thanks to you here oh yeah here oh yeah people still [ __ ] spit on us when we come home in the Zeppelin but as soon as I got off the Zeppelin at the Empire State Building Steve Admiral what does this have to do with business nothing

Nothing I just get emotional I think we still have guys over there but but not you know irregardless like I do have I do now have like several optional investment properties in the British Mandate of Palestine that’s where I got this shirt and I also you know the aforementioned

Giant Ruby from the Kaiser who ran like a [ __ ] because of me Felix may go fast talk roll God what the [ __ ] is happening today 81 over 70 [ __ ] [ __ ] my ass he says to you I don’t see any import opportunities there and as you know I

Import goods what are you talking about like those are all other places well I will say that while Felix is trying this chicken eree Felix and will attempt to pilfer and chew on the planner event will both of you will have to make a sneak roll due

To Felix’s failure do you have sneak that’s a thing on area nope nope nope did they change sneak to something else crap dammit sleight of hand no you roll your dexterity then done Half pass nice work boys I can already taste that sweet exotic flower my mouth will you pocket a few of the leaves Matt anyone you’re familiar with this scenario just out of curiosity Matt you chew on it you don’t even bother using the hand go write it for it its waxy its bitter

Tasting yes and it stimulates your pineal gland now we’re talking allowing you to see objects outside of this reality oh yes that’s what I’ve been trying to do you’re getting cut it out right now my ass you feel her can’t so cut it out ass awesome man this shit’s like the vibing

Twenties mr. Jeff Stein says you know well we got a cooler with plant so why don’t we go outside standard on the backyard absolutely absolutely love to outside is one of my favorite places let’s go as he takes you outside and shuts the door in the greenhouse dr.

Penny farthing you lose grip on reality you are no longer in Brooklyn you are no longer anywhere well you are in a place so to speak a dark rocks trone landscape decorated with crystalline growths occasionally lit by flashes of rose-colored lightning you are naked BAM well I’m at good did

You could you I mean you know for authenticity sick man what’s your power forty well you wanted to be I guess I’ll just walk around nude on the beach this is great the free vacation to the beach to the nude rock beach you walk [Laughter] Chris wait on the therapy [Applause]

Okay you spend 10 minutes wandering around the crystal fluffle it’s a fairly uneventful I mean you’re just nude kind of vibing out and enjoying it all exactly what I hope would happen when I hate that plan you think to yourself god I hope a place like Belize invented

Itself this reminds me of when you you ate those other plants at the Calvin Coolidge convention and some teenage supporters of the Kaiser attacked you for liking Art Deco architecture this is like the time you use oriental research chemicals at Ozymandias fest [Laughter] something does happen after ten minutes

You see a scuttling spider like form of dancing across the landscape directly towards you oh that’s not good seven feet tall emaciated the scuttling thing hungers for human blood oh well there’s Scully’s path lose one sanity you keep it together but it’s going to war too

What do you want to do he’s used to this so I’m completely nude I don’t have my cane I’m assuming the just me my poor pink flesh at the scuttling spider monster I guess I just have to run away you also have the option to attempt to will yourself out back into normal

Boring works [ __ ] I’ve never tried that before well you could try I owe you I know you haven’t yeah you’ve never been one to cut a trip short now of course not that’s a waste but if you make a hard power roll all right power yes but a hard roll meaning you

Have to get half your power or lower what’s your power again 40 hello yep I passed but it was not hard it was soft by the way you’re attacked by what do you want to do dodge or fight back dude 60 year-old whipping idiot I [ __ ] I

Might as well dodge roll your dodge and tell me the level of success I succeeded very very strongly those are – wait that’s a – yeah oh we create it fails ah [ __ ] you you dodge out of the way of the wretched spider being oh yeah now it’s your turn

That run can keep you to run away and I can’t fight this thing turn your back on it keep willing yourself alright yeah alright keep doing that I’ll try it again I’ll try I’ll try to work myself a still a heart doctor penny farthing uh-oh

Oh my oh by the way for you to Felix and will you see him he’s just kind of standing there smiling this is a great afternoon I love visiting neighbors of my friends sir mr. Jeff Dean says he all right yeah no he’s fine he’s just feeling himself

You don’t his feelings ya know this we’ve known this guy I’ve been saying his words into a microphone when he writes his letters for like a year now I know this guy sometimes you’re home he’s just naked like sometimes he’s just not wearing it bad it attacks you again with it’s awful

Claws touch I have got probably all right for health that’s a pass take two damage roll the one on both times what I rolled a one on both nights take two damage what’s your hit oil what’s your HP out now you’re at nine uh okay well the awful spider things like chew any

Rabbits and what UT guys see is dr. penny farthings face become bloody and ripped up that incurs us any loss for both of you to make sanity rolls I suppose I’ll make one for pass Oh easy pass both of you lose one sanity you’re not fazed by this you knew you know he

Was kind of a weird guy when you met him on telly so this is just kind of something you’re like okay I like due to the lack of nutrition and our diets have just average normal people I see people’s face start bleeding all the time yeah it’s regular like it happens

No big deal I’m not even sure like Korea is a place yet and so we definitely don’t have like their ill mass technology skin and skin care is in the worst state it’s ever been dr. penny farthing the dimensional being comes at you again right before it’s about to sticky

In the chest with it’s awful claws you snap out of it you’re back in human zone you’re bloody and you still taken the damage but you’re not nude so that you got that gold it was good worth it anything you want to say to your colleagues who are now mystified

That your bloody don’t eat the fruit thingy that I had just ate don’t use any of it it’s bad it takes you to a bad place but now clearly this guy has got evil forces going on here he’s it is not a ventriloquist dummy he is he’s full-on

Evil doctor penny farthing man you want some like orange slices or niacin man like you’re you’re here right now but you got to just ride through so you’re up here right now doctors are uh mr. Jeff Steen and says does a big yell on

It goes oh what a day he saw the green house at the vegetable garden tours done whoa we can we see the rest of your house can we go inside I’d love to take a tour I mean you know I just I’m a fan of architecture and interior design

My house is it’s kind of a mess right now you know I mean my place I mean come on I have seen your places I live with I live with three dozen cats and yes I’ve seen your I’ve seen your place would you look what I want to come hang out there

I really think I should be getting to bed it’s been a long day I think Playboy’s law I think like dr. dr. hackenbush like he may have like God attacked by Andrew dimensional spider but his idea of breaking into this guy’s house later is sounding better and

Better like this guy doesn’t want to help veterans [ __ ] hassle I will be like writing a bad review of him on telegraph this [ __ ] probably has like the little rascals and Shirley Temple in his [ __ ] basement we saw him unloading all the little rascals out of his car last week and I

We need to get the bottom of this so I think we should ask what I’ve been saying we okay look I’m sorry you had to pay an extra 30 cents to change your Zeppelin ticket back to back to Kansas dr. Brenner you are they got eaten by a

[ __ ] spider monster okay well I thought he would believe my lies what the [ __ ] do you want from me here’s what we do guys make a polite exit yeah wait till he goes to bed break into the house it’s what I can see okay okay we also

Like goes em I will I give you credit for it no stop trying he also goes to work and as you know he tends to leave every Sunday so those could also be good time oh right I wish every day was look at Sunday oh whoa what is it it’s Saturday okay

Easy all right well oh yeah let’s move aside it’s Saturday at the late hour of 2:00 p.m. he’s already put a sleeping cap on and he’s trying to get you to go with the buckle thank you so much for your tour of your extraordinary green house mr.

Jeff Steen I see it was all very normal oh and I would love I would love to host you in my reading room anytime you want yeah let’s make it happen thanks again we’ll talk about when yeah thanks again for the vegetables now I’ve got to go to bed like it old widower

Does the only old man who’s normal can i tuck you in no no no you want me to like carry the candle for you no oh all right I mean you know don’t come crying to me when you burn your [ __ ] down but please enjoy your gifts oh no for sure I

Cannot wait to eat the regular ass [ __ ] you brought us all right he goes back in the house and he goes to bed that one wait lets you know camp out at my place look at some lithographs do we so we have like that basket of fruit that he

Gave us do we know anyone who knows anything about biology at all do we have any any like success flappers who listen to show maybe like you know they’re scientists somewhere do you yeah [Laughter] everyone make a spot hidden wrong fail fail I wrote I got excited big success in coming

That is one of the worst ones I’ve ever the fruit is normal it’s normal fruit all is well that’s what that rule was trying to establish that it’s a normal good for it to consume and you see nothing unusual about the fruit I mean we should probably give it to your cats then

You got so many of them all right so here we are ah you know what’s called a day wait for tomorrow wait till he goes to work break into this [ __ ] house I mean dude he didn’t even let me tuck him in [ __ ] this guy I’m breaking into his house we’re

Going we’re going sicko mode uh that’s the plan you’re doing it Sunday Sunday yeah sunday sunday sunday break into Jeff Steve’s house house house free the little rascals rascals rascals great let’s do that after the intermission can we get another he’ll get another six-pack on the stage please Oh beer

Give me here some old timey Charleston music as we walk all Bechet budget Ten minutes [Applause] [Applause] [Applause] all right boys you’re welcome if you also gave him a promotion it’s Saturday night and you have planned now to go investigate the house Sunday evening but before then you’ve got to record another [ __ ] episode of your [ __ ] show so we I mean I know that it sucks we have a

Responsibility when you have literally tens of listeners They you know there are expectations so look I’m gonna be honest with you guys didn’t really prepare there’s nothing in Colliers magazine this week that’s funny enough to – I gotta say the flower recipes were pretty good there’s nothing to make fun of there yeah no honestly

They gave me some good ideas like just eating flour out of the bag okay so we did just see we did just see another horse picture so let’s just phone it and do another cinema man watching a horse aid man about the age of infinity age of

Claim and eight age of calamity so I want to be alright man washing Hort horses a man washing horse eight age of calamity let’s go let’s dance the Charleston on this absolute piece of [ __ ] and I’m gonna start off I’m gonna start out okay III I got to speak on

This guy this corpulent rapscallion who reviews films under the pen-name the cinema Claude he loves these [ __ ] movies can’t get enough of them projects all of his own thoroughly shallow and inadequate politics on to the horse movies he loves the horses wants to be a horse and it’s

Just like I don’t I don’t care how much you like these movies Lillian Gish is not gonna [ __ ] write you a fan letter okay she’s not gonna see this bro Lillian Gish is not walking through that door okay this [ __ ] he loves the horse movies but has the [ __ ] has the temerity

This unmitigated gall to look down his nose on real artists like DW Griffith and say that their movies our boy his movies are problematic they reflect uh-oh bad views about racial politics in America [ __ ] off dude by the way did you notice how [ __ ] fat Teddy Roosevelt

Has gotten these movies yeah he is gettin pic in his earlier films like the Rough Rider trilogy I mean dude like the guy was cut he was Jack you know he’d films those action sequences like you believe it but he’s gotten so lazy now he’s just sitting and like you know he’s

Just on a SETI basically pretending to fight yeah you can see the guys with two-by-fours jostling him he doesn’t even moving anymore also I don’t want to be that guy but it kind of felt like a pandering that they brought in a female horse yeah yeah it feels like they’re

Just trying to go for those yeah I know the holes of the you know the Jane Addams types you know I’m talking about and yeah and you notice like also like the big thing about the stable hands like all Irish so the Liberals that watch this movie can feel good about

Themselves because they also have Irish stable hands and it’s just like more more just horseshit no pun intended but like also like I’m sorry the way that the guys newsboy cap blew off from the hose was completely unrealistic that it’s not the kinetic trajectory it would take this is [ __ ] [ __ ] you know

It redounds to dr. penny farthings pet theory that we are in an era of extra normalization I mean look the horse washing movies pure unmitigated liberalism and it makes me wonder that it’s point in the future there might be some sort of new form of liberalism that we

All have to live and suffer under that would suck I pray it never happens but you know yeah oh oh they added a filly they added a filly in horse wars eight and it’s just like pandering to the flappers okay totally pandering to the flapper imagine

These [ __ ] pigs going up to the Bonus Army of which I was a part of and also help disperse I mean like you know oh sorry that you don’t have any money but there’s a girl horse now [ __ ] you dude you got you got a girl horse can you got

It yeah you have fillies in in in cinema now I hope you’re happy Calvin Coolidge is still [ __ ] president you get it out of the way you record the damn Evis ode you spent the rest of the night looking at lurid daguerreotype so with your fellas you’ve you know I love it I

Love it my eyes comically bulge out of my head at the end of their stocks I’d like to around each other and explode I have an extensive art collection of women pulling up there like you know floor-length dresses through show a bit bit of ankle yeah

Well I think my tongue to roll out of my face all the way down to the end of the road and then roll back into my mouth it’s sound I’m trying to get my [ __ ] sunk by a girl in a sea shell shaped hat [Laughter] it’s Sunday mid-afternoon now and like

Clockwork mr. Jeff Steen leaves his house in his automobile reading from the scenario that I definitely read and prepared before doing this like any good keeper eventually the investigator should get to peeking around the house itself boy good idea boys you know I had literally an hour and a half ago okay

Well you know I mean you wouldn’t have [ __ ] gone to the spider realm were it not for yeah yeah that was great all right well I we learned like all types of [ __ ] he’s planning they’re granted like none of us know anything about botany but like if

We did it would have been a really valuable trip actually yeah no I yeah nobody I swear to God there was this is a this is written in 1990 multiple editions of this game before but there’s no edition of this game where any [ __ ] investigator was like I’m gonna

Put 80 points in botany all right boys you know the plan let’s do some cat Bergland when nearing the house you hear the crash or breaking glass and the rattle of furniture coming from the front basement window now what let’s take a look in the basement window what do you think guys

Yeah let’s go down there you see something vaguely man like flash into view for a split second before jumping into the shadows Aaron says it seems as though they were a burglar is afoot I whatever that was it was vaguely man-like and I know it’s um something

Going on well I mean okay so like the basements probably being burglarized that means you know ground for attic second floor open for more burglary can we try to go in the front door or what do you think should go shut it goes through the basement window or what do

You think up to you guys what do you think guys I mean you’re attacked your our tactics guys alright so like one thing that blackjack Pershing told me is that every house starts with the basement ends with an addict [Laughter] so also one thing he always told his

Forces you know together you’re weak but divided you’re strong so like you know I’ve clearly like put in the hours throwing the medicine ball I think I should climb to the attic and you guys there’s no attic what a shitty house [ __ ] all right your big choices

Now are bust into the basement in order to catch this burglar or whatever you think it is I think we’re try to Jimmy the lock in the front all right well well I think I don’t like that this guy ripped us off I think we should figure

Out what his game is let’s go to the basement yeah this bus in that big basement boys let’s do this Felix what’s your strength really high [Laughter] okay roll it tell me the level of success all right better not [ __ ] choke this one it’s been a bad night you need a normal

Level of success to break it easy 42 nice yeah you bust the basement window three of you can crawl in all right you go first we will follow right behind I’m crawling in basement gang gang gang shaking [ __ ] all right I’m crawling you’re in you all crawl in you’re in a laboratory filled

With various chemical sword in jars damn I suppose is a root cellar what’s up alright numerous beakers retorted some mortars and pestles and balances several dried plants specimens litter the table on the other side of the room can be found scalpels cat got needles rib spreaders clamps other implements all

Stored in large metal cabinets you know this guy’s smart as hell he is he has so much science [ __ ] I bet when he watches they’re archetypes he like does it through a [ __ ] microscope but the immediate thing that you see is the only word for it is a thing a thing made from

Discarded parts of humans it consists of a woman’s head with two arms sprouting from where there would normally be ears and a single human leg attached to the neck thank you make sanity rolls all right lake much fail bail banker hard for Howard is forward pass Felix lose one

Sanity the other to lose one d6 and ward fail I’m looking for sanity points here thank you God Republicans Matt make a intelligent roll Fail no that’s good that oh yeah you stupid to be scared exactly I would say if you had passed that and realize the profundity of what you’ve seen you would have had a bout of badness and because of your mania for women shoes might have gotten a little

Heated about thank god of too [ __ ] stupid instead you’re just like normal scared boo now what immediately how do you react to this horrible well maybe maybe it’s not horrible I don’t know that’s a subject I know I know I know normally ladies gams don’t grow out of their head but Not bad what’s your immediate response like like one second response I go good you would will or smooth Felix you’re the only one who kind of keeps his wits about it all right I’m immediately lying to myself and telling me I’ve seen telling myself I’ve seen this before

And it succeeds clearly I only lost one sanity point if you can only lose one sanity point for every lie you tell every day you’re fine so all right I’m gonna try to get my get the game’s wits back together because these guys are crackers like throw out a cool one-liner

Okay gentlemen I believe she’s fallen head over heels I actually I learned how to do that I learned how to do that when I was the first James Bond in 1970s while you’re doing that the thing goes up the stairs and it’s it’s I love to watch it go natural locomotion of it is just a one foot

Hopping up each stair well that’s just like bad design and it kicks against the basement door leads to the first floor of the bill house but it doesn’t manage to kick it down now what I always open the door for a lady all right so both of

You are like you know you’re teetering on the saying but do you think we should pursue I don’t really think that thing can like tell us anything can it do we know if it can talk we don’t know right so I could talk to it’s a foot right

It’s a [ __ ] foot yeah a foot cannot tell a thousand tales so I think we should sort of like let let her do her thing and this poke around here it kicks the door again and again get up there dumbass is there anything else we can investigate in the laboratory yes read

All of these things now I’ve read it shut up okay on the other side of the proof can be found but fears be a surgical center you would know it as a mass unit feelings yes yes I would let’s take a look yeah let’s look around there is the cabinet which contains the

Things that I mentioned earlier dr. Caligari When you near the cabinet the faint sound of an electric compressor can be heard and it might be noticed that the lowest drawer gives off a faint draught of cold air I think we should have been that lowest drawer I love to feel cool you open the drawer and discover a host

Of refrigerated human remains nerves tendons blood vessels all carefully stored for what seems to be future use make us a mural Hey fail oh that’s my first handy fell not feeling good everyone lose one sanity for just seeing parts of your body which is honestly something we should all be comfortable with

Another part of the lab our bottles of glucose saline solutions the place is slightly confusing as it seems to serve a surgeon a chemical manufacturer and a plant breeder wellgood only looking at all the equipment you realize this costs several thousand dollars more than most men could spend on an innocent hobby

Yeah that’s almost a million isn’t love having an innocent hobby of sewing legs to women’s head do we is there anything are there any books around we could like can we roll spot heading for that no it’s a spooky lab no they’re operating without instruction it’s not a book zone

Also the foot thing manages to kick down the door and flee to another part of the house all right check it out okeydoke Look you go upstairs first ground floor most of the rooms it’s a normal guys house there’s kitchen dining room pantry guest room what is interesting is the front room which is used by mr. Jeff’s Tina’s his study above his desk is a collection of books standing on a single

Shelf the four most interesting books include an Arabic copy of the Quran a copy are there other cars other pens it’s in Arabic its in Arabic so yes there are other kinds really weird Maltese version now technically it’s only the Quran if it isn’t there’s a book called 20 experiments in the occult

By a dr. Arthur eternally a well-worn copy of true magic by Thea Phyllis weddin and a large crudely fashioned book bound in Cobras skin called the key and the gates opening it all the Texas and Sand sprints hmm but is there any way this does she have a copy of the

Case for the state that will be Israel by Alan Dershowitz [Laughter] no but there are 14 leather-bound annual journals dating back to 15 16 years ago up to the current year and a black loose-leaf binder holding uh mr. Jefferson’s notes regarding his botanical experiments we read the diary

Read his journal refresh we have to read you press X there’s a lot of diary information here so if you could jazz it up and make this not boring that would be helpful to me you will make it so notable excerpts journal one is from 14

Years ago Journal 14 is from the present year journal 1 September 10th another embarrassing memory lapse today this journal should help me deal with the problem self-employed CMS I don’t remember everything that’s ever happened in my life but it’s good for Democratic presidential candidates September 13th [Laughter] September 13th I’ve had mothers sign allow what happened between September 10 I guess he stayed home that day September 13th I’ve had Mother’s signed the last of legal papers that transfer ownership of Jeff’s teen importance of America from her to myself she seems to be doing well in the new nursing home and I hope they could give her the treatment and attention she needs afraid her condition continues to

Decline rapidly and that the father seems to open him I if she knew my role in his death although I don’t in the least feel responsible I’m sure it would kill her she would never understand the power of my new Lord Rama SEK feh oh boy could she have but experienced those

Moments on the mountain in for the Virgin Islands when he appeared in all his terrible magnificence he spoke with me and left his mark upon my breast then he took hold of the father and the two became one with each other before devouring him Rama SEK futur my father’s

Head from his shoulders that’s this guy’s God what we made him and his father come together in some sort of town situation I in a metaphoric situation Oh God but his father was killed in the sponsons who but if you mean it’s kind of like being gay with your dad yes yeah

Yeah that was what I was implying October 29th have been a charming young woman at a social gathering her name is Lynn Meyers I have arranged to take her to the pictures next week my lord I think would approve of her December 12th spent 30 hours in ceremony have located

Rama sack feh he wants a bridge to the world and needs my help I’ve agreed my studies have shown that Rama Sita is an obscure Asura a Virgin Islands demon the Asura are said to be older gods the ones who rule before the coming of Shiva certain things spoken of

In Webb’s book lead me to believe there may be a link to a being called yog Sothoth oh boy that guy’s bad news from Journal 2 January 10th I found myself wanting to make Lyn my wife and have sealed the thought by proposing to her she accepted

And we have set the date of Barisan March 9th of this year rama Sekulow assures me the time is right March 13th have returned from our honeymoon Lynn and I have decided to keep the family place as it is excellent for raising children it may all being

Well Lynn will accompany B on my trip to Ceylon for a new herbal tea supply Herbalife and this may be my last trip out of the country for a while a man who plans a family must be willing to settle down a bit April 1st at doesn’t lid to

Visit her mother-in-law I cast the ceremony I don’t believe she’s ready to understand yet Ramba sec buzz told me he wants a union of he demands the union be made with my wife I am to await 13 days cast another easier ceremony and then wave Rama

Sakura is to take my place the Stewart’s a [ __ ] mixed religion marriages are always hard April 14th cast the ceremony in the morning and Rama Sekulow came I way in the basement while he visited Lin for several hours oh he seems to suspect nothing my god

Older God calm July 19th I’ve told my wife to remain in bed throughout the day as she has taken ill from her pregnancy I took the day to contact Rama SEC but I have to deliver the child myself at home my masters directed me to raise the

Child as if it were my own November 21st horror of Horrors my life is in ashes poor Lin went into labor today and in the course of getting birth to the child she expired despite all I did to save her there’s dunlap blundered into the room

At the wrong moment when she saw the child took leave of her senses in trying to take care of her I may have neglected Lin at a critical moment at any rate she’s gone and I blame only myself a second child a boy who was born dead and

I have turned both bodies over to the funeral home the child of Rama Sacre I’ve hidden in the basement the thing is limbless and appears to have trouble breathing I don’t think I can live for long continues November 25th the funeral in the child was said that one’s born

November 26 the ceremony of homosexual brought him forth to explain the child he said the thing would live and that I am to spend the next ten years preparing for a time when it wouldn’t eat me when the time comes I am to equip it for life

On earth it will be given limbs and lungs I’m not to contact Ramos ACMA until 10 years in a day have elapsed separate Catholic or something what’s going on I don’t get these this strange religion that he’s a member of December 14th I felt someone to help me actually

That part’s point list of journals 3 through 12 nothing important is included here they cover three trips to the Caribbean acquisitions of unusual orchards and a third botanical curiosities meaning of several old friends work matters various accounts of mundane purchases inside Journal 13 are in the homestretch now

We’re at 25th the child grows large and the time has come our child entered the ceremony with Rama SEC VII he told me that when spring has arrived I have to search out fresh limbs and organs to be added to the creature the time of experimenting is over as the thing is

Still a child I will use only the limbs and organs of children by experiment show that the more youthful parts adapt better than the older ones any parts that are unusual I’ve directed to feed to the child Rama Seco Watson to develop a taste for such things and says that it

Is now the time for growing journal 14 the last journal maxvill says I’ve been spending too much I’m asking too much appellant that’s the thing another thing I must admit to feeling killed aiding abetting his false belief somehow now sorry MacDonald schematic let’s get back cut cut that

Make sure the audience doesn’t hear that most of the child’s organs are now in place and a few limbs have been attached the grafts heal nicely my years of experimenting are paying off March 28th April 8th April 11th April 19th May 14th May 25th these days contains similar

Statements to those above the increasing growth rate of the child think necessitate increasing we frequent trips of the garbage dump is a source of surprise and pleasure for Jeff’s team Wow fatherhood cleaner hip is another one of those Zeppelin parents that read a lot of that there is one final entry

Though I am being followed by my nasty if I buy cannot buy a nasty wretchedly about neighbor who’ll never be very nasty neighbor who will absolutely never make $30 a button by selling a radio show through the back pages of Colliers week If I can I find a way to deal with him myself and the next ceremony with Rama sacrified will be forced to ask for their destruction oh [ __ ] this [ __ ] we gotta find this [ __ ] thinks that I’m not gonna be as big as Amos and Andy he’s got another thing coming

Okay yeah no we like his like foot child we’re gonna kick the [ __ ] out of it we’re gonna blow up we’re gonna buy Colliers one day we are gonna like we were gonna make Jack Benny look like a loser after he gets famous there’s also botanical notes must we oh

Well you need a body roll time we don’t know what anybody’s for there’s no potty on here so the keeper is to be blamed because the investigators did not have the foresight to roll a botanist let’s just it’s not on here let’s just do some Margaret Sanger [ __ ] to this foot child

Call it a day the foot child is upstairs let’s go kill this [ __ ] thing let’s just kill it if we kill it it’s everything’s fine you know what that is how you solve most problems just want to be clear you paid attention to what I just said right yeah

Journal entries yeah yeah I try to yeah okay good that’s that’s a lie it’s the child of a elder it’s around the son secta and it’s gonna it’s an all-consuming creature do we need to destroy it seems pretty straightforward right okey-dokey oh boy okay okay I think

We’re [ __ ] up you head up to the second floor master bedroom this is uh Jeff Singh’s room it’s relatively well flap relatively well-kept closet only a third full of clothing because you know wife’s dead so yeah a framed photograph of a sleep wife as a prominent place top nightstand next to his bed

There’s nothing particularly poor any framed photos of him with former President Theodore Roosevelt there are a few photos of him with Taft nothing else up for daily importance here except for the foot thing it’s in a corner kicking and you’re scared can we try to communicate with it in some way I’ve

Been I feel bad maybe it’s maybe if it’s shown love it could become good tell me what you’re doing what do you think guys I mean thing is like you can always try to talk to somebody and then you really reserve the option to kill them later

The old I do with you guys oh oh quick question keeper can I try to feed the foot child the plant the psychedelic plant leaves that I’ve purloined from earlier in the greenhouse [Applause] Now you’re using your dude alright alright okay fine but you feed it like you’re feeding a go to the petting zoo yeah yeah leading out and have some some the thing has an intelligence of zeroes I don’t think it’s in this plane or any other plane what’s that about planes

Again oh I I will say it doesn’t go for the baton said it kicks around appears agitated by being cornered by the three of you okay I got a Derringer you got a gun Matt’s got a sword let’s just eat sure our weapons and just tee off on this thing

Wait wait wait wait wait wait wait I mean is there way we could like stuff like stuff the flower down its gullet like I mean you know I got a feeling there might be something there kind of like an we force-feed the flower you know it’s an enhanced interrogation

Technique that we use overseas lieutenant what’s your end goal with this abomination I don’t know I mean like you know I always say like a stranger is always a friend you haven’t met yet but I also say a stranger can also be your worst enemy that could

Murder you so I can’t lie to this thing because there’s intelligence of zero so our school war hero what aren’t you a war hero absolutely master of every weapon that ever existed yeah and some of the ones that haven’t come out yet if you want to

Destroy it you can destroy it let’s do it fine [ __ ] it I tried peace I’m not even recalled for roles the three of you having cornered the thing and aiming weapons at it weapons it does not understand managed to blow it off ugh oh yeah good fun what a bot Warcraft games easy

As hell a [ __ ] goat it today you destroy the scampering foot thing all is silent but you hear faintly something almost like a whale noise a plaintive wail that’s not entirely human coming from the basement oh my god we have to go back down there

Let’s go back to my house no I mean we always say [ __ ] like that like what happens to that whale just like rolls over on your house it kills all your cats oh wait wait oh my cats are in danger yes basement basement basement yeah I thought so say something else while I

Look for the page wow I sure can’t wait for the election of 1928 I wonder if there’ll be a Great Depression that happens around them probably not though like the stock market the economy with concerns too like profit and supply and demand is at an all-time high

And I can’t I just think we got a repeal prohibition so we can just finally we need we need better entertainment I hate dude I [ __ ] hate it when you called the bootleggers to come over and get drunk and he doesn’t leave and he makes you listen makes ulis do his [ __ ] his

Own minstrel shows that he’s making with his friends [ __ ] terrible dude I hate it it’s okay when the bootlegger makes you cross the state line into Massachusetts and then won’t even sell beer after 10 o’clock ok daenam on time you head back to the basement again a spooky weirdos freelance surgery

There’s a closet on the south end of the lab that you open it’s empty but you notice a fetid unidentifiable smell that pervades the clothes space and you hear plaintive almost like a child or actually professor it’s like a cat’s the ways when it begs for food But it’s doubt of me now what I gotta get I gotta give that Kitty a head scratch one of these baby following the sound and the smell you see that the back wall is a false panel oh it’s one of those new things yeah I heard about that read about that architectural

Weakly yeah if we keep grinding we can get you like that what do you do the panel had to grind for this what do you do as a panel open it you open the panel and you hear a faint plaintive gurgling from the other side Liseberg are there are there

Any other adjectives we can use I’m reading you open the panel light is produced into a back hidden room stumbling out of it it’s a true horse Shirley Temple it’s a creature the creatures body looks like a huge dense mucus with a consistency of an overcooked pudding anterior skeleton can be seen poking

Through the body from time to time with three great vents closed by wrinkly lips rhythmically aspirate the monster with puffing wheezing sounds oh my god it’s the cinema clot ten human legs all Children’s through though of various colors and sizes rip the lower part of the body providing it with local motion

While the 15 chubby little arms and circling the upper side of the body rise about grasping at nothing the thing is quite featureless except for a wet circular mouth located on the creatures underside that gurgles and coos softly in a way that resembles the sound sounds a human baby makes the creature Viren

Lee stops a squat and scour the floor with wet suckling noises searching for food the biggest waste products are passed out of his suggesting system by a sphincter opening up atop the center of the monsters body much like a sea urchin a near continuous stream of doo doo

Issues of the hole there’s a picture here if you want to give a the audience’s description because really good oh man that’s like a villian goat sees [Laughter] yeah I mean that is not a good thing to see wonderfully drawn tones I’m not gonna lie guys that’s pretty weird

That’s like what one of the weirder things I’ve ever said but still gotta be honest would everyone make a sanity Bowl oh I failed that [ __ ] pass I mean how the [ __ ] would I pass look at that you’re into weird oh my god oh no

[ __ ] well Felix and Matt lose 1d tend to sanity let me know how much it is zero that’s ten [ __ ] both of you make a I think an intelligence roll yeah yeah make it intelligence roll pray for stupidity I’ll [ __ ] I’ve passed Felix [ __ ] pastel boy you are both

Cognizant of the monstrosity now you realize the thing from the diaries that you paid very close attention to me saying about this thing being the key to the opening of the gate you both temporarily insane give me D 10 rules 10 3 10 dr. penny farthing you gained a new

Mania that was not fun well maybe you’re into the doo doo it’s this thing is [ __ ] and farting out it’s due to acid you’re really here for it you gain a mania for doo doo and you want to consume it’s due to you but it’s spilling the doodoo and I’m on your sipping

Lieutenant country you rolled three yes violence read miss the sentence on you you explode in a spree of uncontrolled violence and destruction directed at your surroundings oh my god [ __ ] dude if they if they true if I could just get drunk and pissed I would win the [ __ ]

Boxing Olympics dude type of guy when I’m pissed I get quiet and I can knock anybody out with one punch I’m so [ __ ] mad dude put on [ __ ] it you put on that jazz [ __ ] I’m so [ __ ] pissed right now you know if there if there was wrestling and grappling involved I would

[ __ ] destroy Jack Johnson yeah dude if I could just bring a gun in there I would [ __ ] kill him no captain I rule that Felix immediately sets at the child thing all right and that mad also goes towards it to get some Felix if you go and see it

Immediately what would your weapon be probably the pistol okay you pull you take out your pistol and you shoot the thing at point-blank range that gives you a bonus die roll it all right That’s d100 right yeah that’s a D hundred and then roll the tents place twice take the Louis of the – alright I got a ten nine to I don’t know what you did Oh ronk guys [ __ ] alright do you 100 is [ __ ] we’re gonna roll that again we

Haven’t done combat forever what do you want okay what do you roll Oh 60 out of its the hundreds place right look it’s not my fault this is a talking intensive thing and I was mostly focusing on the fast dog ability I believe you have an

80 handgun so you fire and you shoot the damn thing yeah roll damage damages we’ve listened at the bottom here character shoot Oh 2010 1 e + and roll it what’s the damage it nice Yushu the thing black eye force spews out of the bullet boom that’s excited about that I can’t wait

There you go buddy I just grew up you do do even though one of you is explicitly only one of you is explicitly hostile I guess I’ll call this a combat situation and say bullet time will you act first what do you want to do you observe your

Patriots going bad one of them shooting this thing and the other one licking his lips like an old r2 maybe putting on a napkin My homies are going and saying I’m following them into the mouth of madness taking out my pistol and also firing directly into the doodoo so roll a normal shot what is that just a roll against your handgun okay right that’s a pass roll damage windy sex

Six good shot that’s why I say man that shot Felix you could you could roll another shot without the bonus die all right this role of demon food Pass will damage for you should sing again and uh or do we shall you have if we keep shooting it’s gonna run out of doodoo I don’t care how otherworldly this thing is you can only [ __ ] for so long According the rules of this edition the child thing can make up to three fist attacks per out on three separate targets I’ll say it tries to slap all of you and every other time spot what will its avail what melius ass [ __ ] god that is fail Felix [Applause] [Applause] Felix like that damn [ __ ] look I am one shot at [ __ ] right now I need you guys watch this this is this is really pissed I’m really pissed I’m one hit just like shot this thing resulting in doodoos worry guys I got this this is even worse

Than the battles if you’re done the some and gallipoli dr. penny farthing it’s on you and you are mad and you want it I want that doo doo role for doo doo so you go up and embrace the creature yes it’s Chloe I’ll hold Oh baby I want to get up in those

Crevices there’s actually nothing written in the scenario for this particular situation you a anyway what you surprise me I’m through the look at you pass as to what might happen what effects on your body eating this creatures waist what reduces I mean you tell me man I have no idea

I’m just a simple country testicle farmer I’ll say roll your dexterity see if you can even do it Pass [Laughter] [Applause] you embrace the creature which is fighting and fumbling with its child arms your friend and co-host Felix and you it’s just like I’m watching I’m watching him eat this creature shed and

Because of my friend illogical skills I was like I always knew this [ __ ] was German [Laughter] I’ll say it’s the top of another combat round will and Felix both have guns aimed at point-blank range you can fire a shot at the top of the round but you

Won’t get a bonus tiny this looked like a shot all right roll it Felix how will first Fail Felix Oh our death roll damaging a 2010 that’s a 1 d6 alright whatever similar numbers I got a nine all right you’re doing a lot of damage to it yes coming a lot of IE course yeah you both can make more shots on your regular combat round so

We’ll surfers ass roll damage too Pass will damage it the thing is nearly totally incapacitated it is a baby after all yeah [ __ ] dump one I’ll say that he tries to flee and it tries to flee through William who’s standing between it and the staircase it’s gonna try to

[ __ ] knock you down if we pass you what do you do god I am the thin blue line that separates our civilization from total madness and insanity and baby monsters allow you to either dodge fight back physically or just make a shot I want to off I’m gonna fight back okay

Roll it well wrong against what fighting ball my fighting brawl is basically the same status the gun so can I change that and try to shoot it again no just go alright now your stole the damn fighting bro fail he gets a heart it extreme success it uses its baby

Child arms to push you aside and scurry to the staircase leading up to the ground leading up to the first floor but it’s very very weak from you guys shooting it and you idiots waste that says you’re still insane you hurry after a forked knife in front of him in

A comical fashion floating on a scent way but on the top of the round I’ll say that Felix are both both can still aim and shoot all right will you want to fire fire it will one shot fail Felix [ __ ] pass baby that’s good that one hit point you shoot it it

Explodes in a [ __ ] disgust it’s this enough it’s gross I’m saying there’s the IE core in its name oh yeah there’s the to do and he SBB arms just splattering old ah hell yes phase the [ __ ] up it is suppertime folks bring the damn dinner pickle because

Daddy’s gonna eat crisps can we get a normal music Matt you’re really sad you lost the source you’re all kind of coming out of it Felix out of your violent rampage Matt out of your it is then that you hear the front door open and you hear

The see the basement door open and it’s mr. Jeff’s team looks down and sees the corpse of his side oh no I’ll definitely have to kill myself now [Laughter] [Applause] he falls to his knees and says what have you done he was the way doodoos off-the-menu tonight we should murder him seriously I

Mean he’s killed how many children to build this thing let’s make it look like he killed them yeah yeah yeah yeah I’ll start stripping bedsheets into long thin strips and then tying them together well he’s just crying there because you’ve destroyed his entire life’s work and

He’s lost the last shreds of his sanity it’s fantastic he’s easy to kill right like one come back to my place mr. grass what I just like you listen I told you got the new Al Jolson record it’s got mammy and swanny on it no reason if I mean everyone I’ve ever

Known is dead well okay weird [ __ ] you are doing man there’s so much other [ __ ] you could have been doing you could have like built ships in a bottle you did this [ __ ] and now we have to make it look like you killed yourself sorry do you

Think I’m happy I lost ten sanity points today because it’s the [ __ ] weird [ __ ] you’re doing over here I’m never going to recover no one’s ever gonna write a song for veterans he’s weak and fully insane now what do you want to do I’m not kidding we should kill ya let’s

Go okay let’s go really yeah he’s like he’s killed the dozens of children yeah and he know he didn’t kill any children where you’re not paying attention limbs from those four children who died he de children die all the time a child Depot yes is the dungeon master alan dershowitz

He didn’t have to kill any children like every child dies in this era 95% of children die in this era all right his underwear on every time he was stitching he was just taking the limbs from children who died of other causes which is every cause in this era well okay we

Can’t get anything from him I mean if he’s fully insane that means he probably can’t another I mean he’s not gonna be able to you know go on to 1920s and find another spouse to get impregnated by this elder one so not really a danger I guess I know you’re I

Know you’re totally insane right now but and you consider subscribing for a nickel a month due to Capone speakeasy are the popular radio program oh I want to buy the monogram what do you want to do put him out of his misery or just don’t you feel like I’m alright if you

Guys want to kill him and make it look like he killed himself that’s phone me but I’m just gonna say thanks for having us over man yeah Torre dude he’s not really defenseless so just tell me what you want okay let’s just kill him yeah just yeah and this ended

No point in living you killed him but a bullet in his head point-blank range I definitely like you know alright it look like a sewage [Applause] alright classy it was meant to be you right you right on his personal notepad I’ve decided to put a bullet in my head

I decided why I decided to lie down on a bullet and you should not ask any more questions about what has transpired here anyhow I’ve decided to fire a shot directly into the back of my skull this is to any cop this is gonna look like classic suicide three shots to the

Stomach two shots to the head next to a giant ball of ectoplasm yeah and child’s limb yeah came beating suicide shoot so back to wills yeah look at some more comic books yeah books will get [ __ ] up on ether and allowed it pet my cat all right I will say any sanity losses

That you sustained over the course of this scenario are taken care of by the sanity game for the opening of the [ __ ] game also ketamine spray also and killing a totally defenseless old man and you still have the leaves well done we did it guys we did it this shit’s easy

Game is easy claps I gotta say I have to say geez only we’ve done this a number of times now and I’ve done games where I had to do physical combat and games where I had to eat monster [ __ ] and it’s much more chill and fun to just eat the monster [ __ ]

And that was canonically our first encounter with the Methos a few weeks later you decide that we’re gonna hire more people for our radio program and we’re gonna get rid of the awful Jameson friend who’s just not cutting it you replace it with the Portuguese and the rest is history [Applause] [Applause]

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